Stop telling people what to do
The smarter way to lead through your next high-stakes conversation
“I need to communicate something. But I’m not sure what it is.”
That’s often where the conversation begins.
There’s a critical communication moment ahead. A founder or leader needs to say something—to a client, a customer, a co-founder. Something’s broken and needs fixing. A strategy has gone off track. A client isn’t responding well to the rollout. An industry partner isn’t following through on the plan.
Sometimes it’s about giving someone more—more resources, more time. Sometimes it’s about taking something away—access, responsibility.
These moments are pivotal and can make your year—or break it. They can build trust—or erode it. They can deepen a relationship—or quietly sabotage one.
This is the moment to lead with a strong voice.
And, when the pressure’s on, it’s tempting to reach for the “take control” move. We diagnose the problem. We build a plan. We focus on telling someone exactly what to do.
It feels productive and decisive and even heroic. But too often, it’s flat-footed and tone-deaf. A surface-level solution that satisfies our ego but misses the moment.
Because the truth is: nobody wants to be told what to do. Not us. Not them.
We all know that collaboration and choice are far more effective—even when the choices are limited.
Think about parenting. You don’t say, “Put your shoes on.” You say, “Sneakers or slip-ons?” Now there’s agency. And when a relationship matters to your business future, that agency matters, too.
So if you feel the fire rising—the urge to just “tell them what needs to happen”—stop. Take a step back and get clear about what you’re really about to do with this conversation.
Not just on what the communication is about, but what it’s really About. With a capital A.
Here’s what that looks like in practice:
Example 1
What this conversation is about (little “a”): Setting and hitting strong strategic goals with a more productive approach.
What it’s really About (big “A”): Shifting how we collaborate to unlock the full potential of this team and its ideas.
Example 2
What this is about (little “a”): Achieving a 90% adoption rate in this struggling rollout.
What it’s really About (big “A”): Making courageous choices to drive adoption.
When I can name both the little “a” and the big “A” in a pivotal communication moment, I can do more than course-correct the business. I can lead.
This framing helps you address the tactical need and tell a more powerful story—one that speaks to the aspirations of your audience. You make better choices. You focus on potential, not punishment.
Because when you only tell people what to do, you’re not calling them forward—you’re diminishing their genius and shrinking their agency.
So if you want to craft a more compelling communication, get underneath the surface. Start by considering these four prompts in your preparation:
1. Accept who they are.
You’re not changing anyone.
Yes, your audience may need to grow in order to meet the moment—but fundamentally, you’re not turning a Dreamer into a Detailer. You’re not turning an Inventor into an Optimizer.
Accept their nature, their role and their core strengths. Speak to those things honestly, not as liabilities, but as assets. Then put that genius to work in a new way.
2. Notice where the tension is.
To solve the problem—and speak to higher aspirations—focus on the tension.
Look for the places where competing priorities are clashing: speed vs. quality, innovation vs. risk management, urgency vs. alignment. Name them. Invite others in to help solve them.
Naming the tension signals that you see what’s important to everyone—and that you’re not here to assign blame, but to solve a shared puzzle. (Side note: if there is blame to assign, that’s a different conversation.)
3. Talk about it like it helps everyone.
Because it can.
Even taking something away—a responsibility, a task—can be a win. Yes, it may sting in the short term. But it can free someone up to grow into the next chapter of their impact.
Don’t be cagey about the upside of a change. Don’t blow smoke either—people can smell that a mile away. But do name the positive impact that change can have on an individual, a team, or the business overall.
4. Name the little “a” and big “A.”
You don’t have to say them both out loud—but it helps.
When you share your little “a” and your big “A,” you invite a two-tiered conversation: one that addresses the business problem and another that calls your audience into their higher aspirations.
It signals to the room: this isn’t just about fixing something—it’s about becoming something.
If you take the time to name your little “a” and big “A,” and use the four prompts above to prepare, you may find yourself in a true leadership communication moment—one where your voice doesn’t just move the business forward, but lights up the genius on the other side of the table.
Applications are now open for the Fall Cohort for The Transformational Voice Intensive.
Discover the power of developing your distinct leadership voice in a beautiful, private vineyard setting.
The Intensive is a leadership-focused group coaching experience that equips leaders to use their voice as a strategic tool for impact. Participants develop their Platform Map™, a four-part framework for crafting a unique leadership narrative aligned with their impact goals.
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